Good Ghosts

Another first draft but it's a fun one I promise.

There's a reason this place is called Fever Dream - a lot of my firsts drafts feel like fever dreams - a weird stream of conscious a barrage of words that fall out of my head. I should edit these before sharing but I’m a lazy writer and the chances of me editing things is slim - so I store them here, and I’m sometimes sorry I subject you all to mostly first drafts. But sometimes they’re fun to read? This came from a writing exercise we did in my Wednesday night writing workshop. I’ve been fixated on the idea of memories as ghosts that follow us around lately - for a lot of reasons. I also want a little ghostie tattooed on me somewhere. Maybe that will be my next one. Thanks for reading friends.

Photo by Drew Tilk on Unsplash

There are good ghosts following you around everywhere. Trailing you as you go to the grocery store, through the park, to get coffee. Listening as you talk on the phone with your brother and your mom, taking notes, paying attention. Sometimes they get distracted by the crows in the park - just like you do, pausing there to take video or a photo you’ll never look at again - but they’re just so majestic, eating the trash spilling from the can, spreading their big thick wings, walking a little too close. You know some are ravens but you still can’t tell the difference even though he has pointed it out to you several times already, sent many tiktoks explaining the difference in their tail shape, the girth of their body different, the sounds they make unique - one sounds like ‘fuck off fuck off’ you know that but you can’t remember if it’s the caw of the crow or the growl of the raven. You like seeing crows because they remind you of him, crowtok came up on your first date and then it became a thing and you like how when  you see crows now you feel that excitement of the early days of just getting to know each other. 

His ex is a ghost that’s always lingering - the good news is she’s still alive - but the bad news is you can’t shake the years lived with another person - you can emerge fresh and new skinned out of some new cocoon that’s not quite brand new but close enough, made from the skins of all your past lives - out you come, this time with thick brown wings and talons for toes and teeth that are a little duller. 

I can’t figure out if my stepdad would be happy or bummed that when we all see pigeons we think of him. I mean it’s the natural progression of things so he can’t really be surprised. But is his ghost happy or sad about it? And does he strategically place the pigeons I see everywhere so I don’t stop thinking of him especially when I am out of the house and walking to the store or somewhere downtown on my way to work or to the train, in the morning and in the late afternoon - with their steely grey feathers and little pops of pink and metallic blue - the pigeon has gotten such a bad rap. Like New Jersey and cottage cheese. But there’s no changing people’s minds so I stopped trying a while ago. 

There are good ghosts following you around. I can feel them when you walk in a room - your great grandmothers and the grandma you liked to cook with - you smuggled her cookbooks out of your country and they are sacred texts and she’s just glad you’re cooking as much you are even if you mostly use an air fryer - air fryers get a bad rap too - like pigeons and New Jersey and cottage cheese. 

Sometimes when I fall asleep I tell the ghosts they can sleep too - wait at the front door and scare any bad spirits away who may want to bother me in my sleep. I think they wake up the cat when they’re around and then I feel his sharp little tiger teeth gnawing at my arm in my sleep. If I move he bites harder so I hide under the sheets. The ghosts spook him but he can’t see them. Or maybe he can, he’s always looking at the walls like there are things living in there. Maybe he sees different ghosts than I do. 

Sometimes I would like to ask the ghosts to do my chores - they really could be more useful. Like my cat - sometimes I wish he could get a job - bake some cakes with his little paws, bag things at the grocery, do something to contribute to the household other then get hair on the velvet couch and stare at the walls like there’s something living in there. It’d be great if the ghosts could do the dishes, mop the bathroom floor, dust a little - I mean of all the chores dusting has got to be the easiest when you’re a ghost, right? You already have the white sheets and the fluffy ghost body to gently slide past things. If they’re going to be hanging around they may as well do something useful other than stir up memories in my head and drag me through the past, present, and future. 

There are good ghosts all around you, we can’t fault them if they’re lazy too I guess.