Notes from my notes app

My entire brain is in my notes app and I hope no one but me ever opens it.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

I was doing some cleaning of old lists and thoughts I’d like to burn forever from my notes app this morning and found some fragments of writing from last year and the year before that I probably meant to pick up again and flesh out. I’m a lazy writer and I know I will not come back to these unfinished thoughts. So like most everything I share with you here I’m offering up some bits of unedited writing that I kind of like and would like to live somewhere. I’m fond of these because I remember so vividly what was going on in my life when I wrote them, and it’s nice to look back from this view and appreciate them.

I jotted this down in Sept of 2022 after my first date with my now boyfriend: 
Hanne always says you should pay attention to how your body responds to people
Not just people you could be romantic with — everyone 
Is your body saying no or yes? 

You were a full body yes 
Much smilier than I thought you would be 
More talkative 
More interesting and interested 

One drink turned to two and then dinner 
A turn I wasn’t expecting 
But you were a full body yes
So I went with it

I forgot to look at the date on this before I resaved it but it must have been from 2022: 
If months were colors January was deep indigo sadness hopeful but too dark to see anything I had a single flashlight I clutched in the palm of my hand and the battery kept threatening to go out but I’d give it a good shake and it would stay on giving me just enough light to keep walking forward. 

From 2022 in the first months of meeting my now boyfriend: 
If the last year has taught me anything it’s that we all have our shit and it’s just a matter of whose baggage you want to help carry and right now I’d take your suitcase in hand and wheel it down the runway for you. I’d weigh my shoulders down with the weight of your mistakes and gladly watch them when we travel, clutch them so no one steals them when you go to the bathroom at the airport. We all have our things and mine have edges in some places I’m trying to sand down so sorry if they poke you in the meantime and make you bleed. I’m working on it weekly, pushing back all the pieces of me that want to sabotage what we have here. What do we have here, we have this nice vibe btw us this chemistry I hope never quits. This awe of each other still. Strangers, but also I know you.  

Some random wisdom from Dave: 
Dave says who cares how long it’s been since the breakup, how many days since the divorce? There are no rules, no norms we have to follow. If we feel it we feel it and we move forward. 

And a somewhat nonsensical thing: 
You told me your ex spent the last two years trying to prove she was worthy of you - at least that’s what I think you said - I will never do that because I know my worth and it’s not increased by the value of you. We are two separate equations and I hate math but I will never use the expression the sum of us because if the last 12 years taught me anything it’s that if I forget my worth it’s time to ditch the calculator.